Almost a year since ive blogged..

Im trying to start again.. blog more.. if nothing else for my personal sake. Lets fill you in with the past week.. still hanging out with the ex and still unbalievably consumed by my friends death. Its freaking insane how consumed I am.. the past month has been so terrible. Ive lost 15 pounds and rely on adderol (adhd) meds which i get from a friend, to live my life. I keep the razors away from my arms and he keeps pills in my pocket. The last two weeks however Ive quit taking my pills trying to stop numbing myself... so they pills were left home while i was out. Mother dearest found em.. . She flipped.. I told her it was to numb how muchc I fucking hurt.. i sobbed, she sobbed and grounded me.. i havent been grounded since 8th grade. but appaerently its still a relavent punishment. she called counselors and drug rehab places.. sure she was going to enforce them and tell my father. But she's still my rather-not-face-things- mother so she allowed me to take back all the calls she'd made and just give up my phone and computer a month.. obviously.. the only thing that stuck was my phone and a month at home.. ugh. I'll live however.. Ive been trying not to take pills as much but Ive realized I cant give them up.. Ive gained 4 lbs and she makes me eat when she is around but usually not much... School starts tommorow and I plan to get more adderol and try and be this perfect daughter she still thinks I am. Ive actally begun to let go of my obsession with my friends death.. its unbeliveable looking back, that this could completly become my life obsession for a year now .. a lear last December ,...Anyway .. im going to go work out bc this is something new ive been working on to deal with everything else. Im on the road to not-as-fucked-up. Rome wasnt built in a day, ya know. -Author