Almost a year since ive blogged..

Im trying to start again.. blog more.. if nothing else for my personal sake. Lets fill you in with the past week.. still hanging out with the ex and still unbalievably consumed by my friends death. Its freaking insane how consumed I am.. the past month has been so terrible. Ive lost 15 pounds and rely on adderol (adhd) meds which i get from a friend, to live my life. I keep the razors away from my arms and he keeps pills in my pocket. The last two weeks however Ive quit taking my pills trying to stop numbing myself... so they pills were left home while i was out. Mother dearest found em.. . She flipped.. I told her it was to numb how muchc I fucking hurt.. i sobbed, she sobbed and grounded me.. i havent been grounded since 8th grade. but appaerently its still a relavent punishment. she called counselors and drug rehab places.. sure she was going to enforce them and tell my father. But she's still my rather-not-face-things- mother so she allowed me to take back all the calls she'd made and just give up my phone and computer a month.. obviously.. the only thing that stuck was my phone and a month at home.. ugh. I'll live however.. Ive been trying not to take pills as much but Ive realized I cant give them up.. Ive gained 4 lbs and she makes me eat when she is around but usually not much... School starts tommorow and I plan to get more adderol and try and be this perfect daughter she still thinks I am. Ive actally begun to let go of my obsession with my friends death.. its unbeliveable looking back, that this could completly become my life obsession for a year now .. a lear last December ,...Anyway .. im going to go work out bc this is something new ive been working on to deal with everything else. Im on the road to not-as-fucked-up. Rome wasnt built in a day, ya know. -Author

Falling Behind

So Im writing today because we don't have class.. one great thing about South Dakota.. Snow days! This post wont be long because I just don't feel like writing mostly because I know Ill read this later and no reason to reread my diary of a depression. Anyway... Im not with Kohl anymore.. Im not okay again yet.. I quit waiting to be okay... Im taking things one moment at a time... To much on my mind sorry I've given up on my blog sort of .. but I doubt many follow it anyway so I cant be dissapointing to many right? Anyway... Im just sort of tired... Nightmares kept me up again. I swear Im crazy.. .and now Im crazy and addicted to mood enhancers .. If i dont take them I dont know if I should be trusted alone... Im crazy... Anyway... See ya bloggers.. .Ill try and write later.. -Shelby-

Okay.. so Im in an impossibly worse mood tonight. This has to be getting irriating...Well I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, so screw that thought. Facebook is being impossibly gay tongiht my home page and my chat wont load. Dear Lord, Im ready to kill someone. I feel sick. I want to cry, I want to be sick, I want to yell and scream, I want to die. I need help. Im such, such mess. But what do I do? Go to my conselor... hey, I um .. kinda want to die because I cant get over the death of a friend, or hey! Im using physical relationships to ease my own pain and Ive developed the worst reputation ever..Yeah I have a feeling she wouldnt handle that well. Well right now Im in the process of getting Kohl back. It will only take the snap of my fingers but I cant get ahold of him right now... I guess I just need someone to carry me through life.. and I know he will.. I dont have to function... I cant basically quit living because he will do it for me. He takes me to school gets my assignments done for me, takes me to parties, gets me alcohol when I want it. I can't stand this anymore. Kohl just called... shockingly I got him back. Well.. I guess I get to quit living for awhile... dose up on some more pills and be numb to life while he carries me through it like my night in shinning armor always has.... - Pathetic

given up

Okay I've begin to give up on my blog and my one follower.. maybe not give up, I just dont feel the inncessint(spelling?) need to write lately.. well i do but writing is making me face things. Basically I've fallen father than I ever thought possible and can't bring myself to face anything. I have my good days when I can atleast pretend Im okay till Im alone but most days I dont even pretend...anyway.. Im going to clean my room to clear my mind. Then maybe go to bed early.. if I can sleep tonight. Seriously? I thought this stage was suppose to end. What the hell is wrong with me? ... Given Up As A Writer-

Crabby >>>

Im bloging when i dont really feel like it so this could turn out terrible. Lets see i spent my day with conselours who used a voice that is so practiced and fake it makes you want to shoot yourself. I just have been crying most the day. I miss her. I hate that she is dead. Dead?.. Doesnt even seem real... God I want to die anymore. .. Ugh.. But i dont get too.. Kohl (ex bf/ current best friend) is no longer current best friend.. actually i prefer he fall in a hole somewhere... Okay this was moody and short but just to update you on how pissy I am... Well toodles!

The Day After

I didn't blog last night because I didnt have much time.. Yesterday..truely sucked. I went to the grave site and my heart shattered. I was bawling before I had been there three minutes. There were best friend bracelets from her friends, flowers, prayers, charms, necklaces it was unbearable to think of what God took from these people, her friends, my friends, me... I cried and leaned into Kohl for about five minutes then we left because I couldnt stand to talk to her there it was too hard. I cried the whole way home and for a few hours after. But then Kohl and his friend came over so I put make up on and faked a smile to be okay. I spent the night driving around and hanging out, forgetting or trying. By the end of the night I had more problems. I hit on one of Kohl's friends who I have true intrest in and Kohl attempted to break his nose because of it. His friend, me and kohl all know "if" I had a relationship with his friend it wouldn't last long, because between the games I play and my innability to love anyone truely, things just dont last. I have to think that my deceased friend had something to do with the way I run relationships. She was worse than me! Well.. used to be. I may have surpassed her now in the "using people" department. Anyway Kohl now isn't speaking to me but I truely don't mind because I shouldnt have been expecting us to be best friends.. although he thought we could be too... but just the same I cant make him watch me trade guys like collectable cards. Ugh why do I have to be so disfunctional? Hah.. Well this is all pitty problems right now but I suppose I should go play with the kids Im spose to be watching over.. Im actually fighting tears right now and I dont even know what caused it so Im going to go ta ta for now ..

3 Month Anniversary

Well...Currently I'm working. Today I'm nannying for two kids that are really not morning people. There little voices keep singing "you're a loser" or "I'm not touching you!" In two minutes I swear I'm sending them back to sleep....Last night was just a blast.. My sister was still being instagative and it was annoying as hell. For 19 you think eventually, she'd give it a rest...Guess not. But as I'm sure you assumed I dont really want to focus on any of that right now.. Today is in her memory and I'm not going to worry about such petty problems. So here goes..
This post maybe extremely long and there might end up being multiple posts today because I miss her and I won't stop writing until every last word that is scratching at my heart and mind is somewher on paper as proof of pain. Lets start from the beginning... She was only 15. God that's too young. She was in a car coming home from a small town near ours. Nobody knows what happened but God and her. She was with a bunch of people some who had been drinking, she who had been drinking and high. ...Most of her life was spent doing those two things, drinking and smoking, but you'd have to know her background to know why this isn't surprising. She was my fallen angel. She taught me to grow up, to be strong, to love and not get hurt, later I'd learn she just taught me to play people so I didn't get hurt. Anyway she was my little one I got to watch out for. I tried to get her to live a better life, truth be told I ended up needing her more than she'd ever admitt to needing me. Anyway they were coming home and...something happened... Some people said they tried to drift the car by pulling the E-brake on the ice some people said they were drinking, couldn't stay on the road. Only the paramedics and God know, part of me never wanted to know. Anyway they swerved and went into a ditch just above a small river between the two towns. The car hit a cement culvert wall. The front end smashed, then slid into the freezing water's below giving the other members in the car hypothermia, causing one to be paralyzed on his left side, it would be weeks before her got his full movement abilities back. But God only took her. Some say she was throw from the car and never hit the wall or the water, some say she hit the wall and was killed instantly. No one really ever questioned how exactly it happened for long. She was dead. So small, maybe 95 lbs. I cant imagine her smallness being throw around like a rang doll to, in the end, lay lifeless on the road, limp as a rag doll. I got the call late around 11pm december 12th 2008...it was my ex, first guy I ever loved with my whole heart, only guy I've ever been able to love with my whole heart. I didn't believe him. He insisted it was true. Finally he hung up, angry I didn't believe him. Then I got another sobbing call from a friend saying "Oh my God, please come to the hospital, she's dead." I called back my ex and sobbed quietly considering I was at a cousins house when all this happened. Eventually I told my cousin to take me home. Where I would shake my mom awake drag her to the dinning room and fall sobbing into her arms screaming "It's not fair. God no. She is dead. I hate God." I dont even remember it all, all I know is that it lasted for a good seven hours until my limp body fell to sleep and dreamt. It would be two months before I could sleep with out dreams of her rag-doll body on the ground, so small, so hurt, so ..dead.
Days would follow and I'd attened the wake, only making it in the door to turn around and run out. I never did go back in. I fell into the arms of Kohl (current ex. boyfriend/ best friend) He never made me go back, untill the funeral. We sat in the back and I silently cried. Feeling Kohl watching me, killing himself inside for not being able to protect me. The next two weeks would be winter break from school I mostly just cried and tried to get out of bed, Christmas was a horror. I went downstairs or in other rooms of families houses and fought tears. Once my uncle begged me to come upstairs, I'm still angry with him for not understanding. Most of all I hate my parents for not realizing, I still dream, I still cry most nights, worst thing is sometimes I just talk to her, my little angle sits with me and we talk. More than likely Im crazy. I went to a counselor once, but in turn got so mad because she was telling me I was depressed that I slammed the door on the way out. I still hurt for her, God I need her. I almost still hate God for taking her. He was the only one I could blame. Sometimes I'd fall into a prayer routine but now the only prayer is when I talk to my angel, who isnt a fallen angel anymore, if that even counts. It still kills me everyday, but I put off the pain unless it's the anniversary like today, then I cut open all the old wounds and let myself just soak in all the pain, sometimes a person just needs that. Its like opening the cuts because they didnt heal properly and letting them try again to heal only to watch them fail. I dont want to quit writing because this is the most I've openly thought about her in ..four weeks. But this is long and if you've read it, well please comment because I need it. I'll post again tonight maybe even sooner because Im supposed to go to her grave today at noon, but I'm already backing out. I havn't gone since I watched her casket, too large for someone so small, slowly slid into the ground...Thanks for keeping updated on my life. I'm going to go now, just for awhile. I'll write again later. -Broken-