The Day After

I didn't blog last night because I didnt have much time.. Yesterday..truely sucked. I went to the grave site and my heart shattered. I was bawling before I had been there three minutes. There were best friend bracelets from her friends, flowers, prayers, charms, necklaces it was unbearable to think of what God took from these people, her friends, my friends, me... I cried and leaned into Kohl for about five minutes then we left because I couldnt stand to talk to her there it was too hard. I cried the whole way home and for a few hours after. But then Kohl and his friend came over so I put make up on and faked a smile to be okay. I spent the night driving around and hanging out, forgetting or trying. By the end of the night I had more problems. I hit on one of Kohl's friends who I have true intrest in and Kohl attempted to break his nose because of it. His friend, me and kohl all know "if" I had a relationship with his friend it wouldn't last long, because between the games I play and my innability to love anyone truely, things just dont last. I have to think that my deceased friend had something to do with the way I run relationships. She was worse than me! Well.. used to be. I may have surpassed her now in the "using people" department. Anyway Kohl now isn't speaking to me but I truely don't mind because I shouldnt have been expecting us to be best friends.. although he thought we could be too... but just the same I cant make him watch me trade guys like collectable cards. Ugh why do I have to be so disfunctional? Hah.. Well this is all pitty problems right now but I suppose I should go play with the kids Im spose to be watching over.. Im actually fighting tears right now and I dont even know what caused it so Im going to go ta ta for now ..