3 Month Anniversary

Well...Currently I'm working. Today I'm nannying for two kids that are really not morning people. There little voices keep singing "you're a loser" or "I'm not touching you!" In two minutes I swear I'm sending them back to sleep....Last night was just a blast.. My sister was still being instagative and it was annoying as hell. For 19 you think eventually, she'd give it a rest...Guess not. But as I'm sure you assumed I dont really want to focus on any of that right now.. Today is in her memory and I'm not going to worry about such petty problems. So here goes..
This post maybe extremely long and there might end up being multiple posts today because I miss her and I won't stop writing until every last word that is scratching at my heart and mind is somewher on paper as proof of pain. Lets start from the beginning... She was only 15. God that's too young. She was in a car coming home from a small town near ours. Nobody knows what happened but God and her. She was with a bunch of people some who had been drinking, she who had been drinking and high. ...Most of her life was spent doing those two things, drinking and smoking, but you'd have to know her background to know why this isn't surprising. She was my fallen angel. She taught me to grow up, to be strong, to love and not get hurt, later I'd learn she just taught me to play people so I didn't get hurt. Anyway she was my little one I got to watch out for. I tried to get her to live a better life, truth be told I ended up needing her more than she'd ever admitt to needing me. Anyway they were coming home and...something happened... Some people said they tried to drift the car by pulling the E-brake on the ice some people said they were drinking, couldn't stay on the road. Only the paramedics and God know, part of me never wanted to know. Anyway they swerved and went into a ditch just above a small river between the two towns. The car hit a cement culvert wall. The front end smashed, then slid into the freezing water's below giving the other members in the car hypothermia, causing one to be paralyzed on his left side, it would be weeks before her got his full movement abilities back. But God only took her. Some say she was throw from the car and never hit the wall or the water, some say she hit the wall and was killed instantly. No one really ever questioned how exactly it happened for long. She was dead. So small, maybe 95 lbs. I cant imagine her smallness being throw around like a rang doll to, in the end, lay lifeless on the road, limp as a rag doll. I got the call late around 11pm december 12th 2008...it was my ex, first guy I ever loved with my whole heart, only guy I've ever been able to love with my whole heart. I didn't believe him. He insisted it was true. Finally he hung up, angry I didn't believe him. Then I got another sobbing call from a friend saying "Oh my God, please come to the hospital, she's dead." I called back my ex and sobbed quietly considering I was at a cousins house when all this happened. Eventually I told my cousin to take me home. Where I would shake my mom awake drag her to the dinning room and fall sobbing into her arms screaming "It's not fair. God no. She is dead. I hate God." I dont even remember it all, all I know is that it lasted for a good seven hours until my limp body fell to sleep and dreamt. It would be two months before I could sleep with out dreams of her rag-doll body on the ground, so small, so hurt, so ..dead.
Days would follow and I'd attened the wake, only making it in the door to turn around and run out. I never did go back in. I fell into the arms of Kohl (current ex. boyfriend/ best friend) He never made me go back, untill the funeral. We sat in the back and I silently cried. Feeling Kohl watching me, killing himself inside for not being able to protect me. The next two weeks would be winter break from school I mostly just cried and tried to get out of bed, Christmas was a horror. I went downstairs or in other rooms of families houses and fought tears. Once my uncle begged me to come upstairs, I'm still angry with him for not understanding. Most of all I hate my parents for not realizing, I still dream, I still cry most nights, worst thing is sometimes I just talk to her, my little angle sits with me and we talk. More than likely Im crazy. I went to a counselor once, but in turn got so mad because she was telling me I was depressed that I slammed the door on the way out. I still hurt for her, God I need her. I almost still hate God for taking her. He was the only one I could blame. Sometimes I'd fall into a prayer routine but now the only prayer is when I talk to my angel, who isnt a fallen angel anymore, if that even counts. It still kills me everyday, but I put off the pain unless it's the anniversary like today, then I cut open all the old wounds and let myself just soak in all the pain, sometimes a person just needs that. Its like opening the cuts because they didnt heal properly and letting them try again to heal only to watch them fail. I dont want to quit writing because this is the most I've openly thought about her in ..four weeks. But this is long and if you've read it, well please comment because I need it. I'll post again tonight maybe even sooner because Im supposed to go to her grave today at noon, but I'm already backing out. I havn't gone since I watched her casket, too large for someone so small, slowly slid into the ground...Thanks for keeping updated on my life. I'm going to go now, just for awhile. I'll write again later. -Broken-