Her death took my life too

Writing again today..
My earlier post got my mind wrapped around my friend's death. It must be obvious by this point that this, in my mind, is something I wont overcome. How can God take such a young life? She wasn't exactly inoccent, actually far from it. But who did she ever have in her life long enough to show her how to be somebody? Nobody. I drive myself crazy asking "What if?" I miss her to an unbarable amount. I've just recently reached the stage where I'm able to keep from collapsing onto the ground more than once a week. I usually have to plead with myself to make it home when sobs come, memories drown me, my knees falter, and I just sob on the ground. It's a mixed feeling between sorry and hatred, but mostly I feel as if I've lost all control in my life. Recently before the death of my close friend my other close friend, soulmate, whatever you want to call her moved away, just two hours but for us thats worlds apart. So now I stand alone and repeatedly play memories from the funeral, the days after when pain paralyzed me over and over in my head. The overwhelmed feeling is washing over me now, knowing I can't descrive how much I needed her, I miss her. I never really told anyone this. They knew how I felt because for the first month the tears weren't under my control they just came over me and I'd slid to the floor. But I've learned how to make them wait until I have time to fall apart, to avoid this I try to stay busy. Somedays it still comes over me , there is no stopping it then, I just dig my nails into my hands and let myself cry out the pain, not that that's always enough. I just wish people, mainly my parents, saw how hurt I still am. The pain isn't even scars, its still new pain.
I plan to visit her grave for the first time since it happen next Thursday. I don't know if I will actually make it. I'm taking my ex-boyfriend, current life-saver, with me to the gravesite. He was the only one who was around for me when she died and I've trusted him with everything since. I just need to go. Okay tonights post was mostly calming my own mind because I've been fighting the break-down all day, part of me thinking writing would prevent it. I just wish I knew that I would make it out of this, I wish somebody would tell me it's okay, I know you still hurt. Well I guess that's my confession of the night. If anyone has been through this, or has advice, please comment it'd really help me out.
-Author