Okay this post intent was to purely blow off steam because my sister, my hero, my trusted one, pissed me off. God we were doing so good and she had to get all pissy and jealous and ruin it! Then I thought, no I dont have the energy to yell and scream about her, but suddenly I do, so I think I shall! She was mad because ex bf/current best friend was over with one of his friends and she bitched to my mom about how she never got to have guys over like I do and I shouldn't be trusted (WTF!?!@??!) Yah, I hope she remembers that next time her drunk ass needs a ride to another party like last weekend (which also made me blow curfew) but I took her, because thats what sisters do for each other. They cover for each other! Unless you are that skanking- hoe, no! She just betrays you. Well in all honestly Im waiting for the gates or hell to open up and welcome the dumb bitch. Okay that was a tid on the expressive side but tonight I want to yell and scream! Okay I'll simmer down now.. Anyway.. we don't have school thursday or friday because thats our pretty much bullshit spring break but just the same I need the break. Although I work both days like all day so pretty sure thats hardly a break. Although thank God I get off at noon thursday because the rest of my day is going to be spent getting the nerves to go to the cemetary..
I'm too young to have to go to the cemetary. I'm too young to go buy a rose for my deseased angel. I'm too young to want to die. I'm too young to fall apart like I do. I'm too young to feel regret and pain that consumes myself. I'm too young to feel alone. I'm too young to collapse on the floor and sob. I'm too young to live like this. She was too young to die.
I thought I was going to be okay with this but apparently its worse than I thought. Last night I lay in bed sobbing, turning over and over, begging for my stomach to stop swallowing my heart and my tears to stop drowing my hope. I cry to people I dont even know, for instance the whole cyber world.. I just want it to be over. But more than anything I wish my mom and sister understood.. or anyone really. I wish they understand how close I am .. to following my leader straight to the doors of Heaven tonight.. This is just so hard.. I wish they understood..Either way Im taking life moment by moment because I cant really take life day by day anymore..Anyway I have some much needed studying to do and personally I think I may plan to murder the dumb bitch my mother prouduced before me.. Ugh.. thanks for reading....-Counting The Days Till She Returns To College!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday Nights Post
Blogging just to say hey really (you know, for all the people who take time to read this haha). Actually I've got a miserable head ache and typing just seemed soothing at the moment. Hmm I have homework from when I was sick that would more than likely be better if it was done but just the same I'd rather put it off :) So today's a monday.. utterly boring for me. Not even sure what to bore you with today.. I feel like writing though so I should work on the pieces I've been trying to put together in the past few .. oh months. Hah.. I honestly wish I could skip the rest of high school and just go to college. I know what I want to be why am I wasting my time here? But I suppose I kind of need the things I'm learning here. So do to do.. Im unbalieveably at a loss of words today..Im waiting for my ex to come over, not that I even feel like seeing him or have the time to but just the same he text and said Im bored and I figured Im bored to so hell why not? Facebook is unbalieveably quiet tonight (probably because most people have lives at 6:44PM) which is making it difficult to procrastinate my homework and cleaning my room which is driving me nuts because it's messy. Well if you've made it this far in this pointless escapade Im calling Monday Nights Post well grab a cookie and reward yourself because this post is so boring Im not entirely sure that I'll make it thought proof-reading it. ...So Im listening to my ipod and "what hurts the most- rascal flatts" is on ...I like this song.. never realized that before. But my sisters left and my dads out so it's just me and my mom tonight so I think I'll go chat with her because I havnt said much to her in the past few days .. so Ill do that atleast untill the ex and current best friend gets here. But if you made it to the end of this well then you are a far better person than me because Im not even going to proof this because im afraid i may just click cancel because its that boring! Thanks for dealing with my boring posts! Maybe tommorow I'll act like Indiana-Jones so I have some adventures to tell :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Lines and lines of words,
all completly absurd,
You're not writing a story,
You don't even know what your saying,
You only write to block your thoughts
You see the pictures
You feel the pain
The others, they watch you knowing your games
they hate you for all of the pain
You caused this to save yourself
and now look, your life is a living hell
You write so fast you lose your mind
Suddenly its all back, everything you left behind.
Hope you're happy, all your efforts were worthless
You still feel the pain, you still hurt them.
You're a monster you are, in your own way.
You tore their lives apart to save yourself
Like you let them all drown to save yourself
Well what happens when you come out okay
and everbody else is too hurt to be there today
You did this you know, remember that.
Blame no one else except the one
who sits and writes lines and lines of words
all completly absurd.
all completly absurd,
You're not writing a story,
You don't even know what your saying,
You only write to block your thoughts
You see the pictures
You feel the pain
The others, they watch you knowing your games
they hate you for all of the pain
You caused this to save yourself
and now look, your life is a living hell
You write so fast you lose your mind
Suddenly its all back, everything you left behind.
Hope you're happy, all your efforts were worthless
You still feel the pain, you still hurt them.
You're a monster you are, in your own way.
You tore their lives apart to save yourself
Like you let them all drown to save yourself
Well what happens when you come out okay
and everbody else is too hurt to be there today
You did this you know, remember that.
Blame no one else except the one
who sits and writes lines and lines of words
all completly absurd.
The Weekend
Okay so I didn't blog this weekend because I was kept busy! (Can't say I hated it) My sister came home, we've been having a ball. I went out a few times with my ex, more than likely a bad idea. This weekend was probably the most social I've been in a long time! It's weird thinking how I've avoided life for so long. So much has changed! I've still got people I need to get back in touch with but this weekend was definatly a start for me. Although, last night a little miss communication problem led to major trouble, but hopefully I lied my way out of that one. Okay down to serious things..(sorta). I sort of have a relationship problem... In the fact that I was so scared to get to get hurt that I would usually back out of long relationships and hurt someone more than I ever imagined. I've done this consistantly for the past year now and it's turned out well in the fact that I usually don't get hurt. But I'm building quite the reputation for it too. Now its like any guys that I want to take me serious just want me for physical relationships and any guys who I could less about want my whole heart, which I'm not even sure I know how to give away anymore. Relationships are so pointless for me anymore. Anyway my current ex is the closet thing to a best friend that I have on a regular basis. I think partially because he helped me through my friends death, and there is something about going through that with someone, the break downs, the crying sessions, or the pure self-pity you feel that you just give your entire trust to the person who willingly goes through it with you. So we hang out on a regular basis, which has been causing a problem. It seems as if he will never move on, meaning I cant either. Any guy I hang out with or even mess around with he wants to kill and he gets so mad at me that he says don't come near me and he storms off. I'm not trying to hurt him, but I want desperatly to move on. I hate that I can't do this with out hurting him! Anyway.. thats pity problems compared to the next week. Every day we're inching closer to Thursday, the 3 month anniversary... It terrifies me because thats the one day I can't put it off anymore. I'm scared, but I know I'll get through it all... I have to, right?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Her death took my life too
Writing again today..
My earlier post got my mind wrapped around my friend's death. It must be obvious by this point that this, in my mind, is something I wont overcome. How can God take such a young life? She wasn't exactly inoccent, actually far from it. But who did she ever have in her life long enough to show her how to be somebody? Nobody. I drive myself crazy asking "What if?" I miss her to an unbarable amount. I've just recently reached the stage where I'm able to keep from collapsing onto the ground more than once a week. I usually have to plead with myself to make it home when sobs come, memories drown me, my knees falter, and I just sob on the ground. It's a mixed feeling between sorry and hatred, but mostly I feel as if I've lost all control in my life. Recently before the death of my close friend my other close friend, soulmate, whatever you want to call her moved away, just two hours but for us thats worlds apart. So now I stand alone and repeatedly play memories from the funeral, the days after when pain paralyzed me over and over in my head. The overwhelmed feeling is washing over me now, knowing I can't descrive how much I needed her, I miss her. I never really told anyone this. They knew how I felt because for the first month the tears weren't under my control they just came over me and I'd slid to the floor. But I've learned how to make them wait until I have time to fall apart, to avoid this I try to stay busy. Somedays it still comes over me , there is no stopping it then, I just dig my nails into my hands and let myself cry out the pain, not that that's always enough. I just wish people, mainly my parents, saw how hurt I still am. The pain isn't even scars, its still new pain.
I plan to visit her grave for the first time since it happen next Thursday. I don't know if I will actually make it. I'm taking my ex-boyfriend, current life-saver, with me to the gravesite. He was the only one who was around for me when she died and I've trusted him with everything since. I just need to go. Okay tonights post was mostly calming my own mind because I've been fighting the break-down all day, part of me thinking writing would prevent it. I just wish I knew that I would make it out of this, I wish somebody would tell me it's okay, I know you still hurt. Well I guess that's my confession of the night. If anyone has been through this, or has advice, please comment it'd really help me out.
-Author
My earlier post got my mind wrapped around my friend's death. It must be obvious by this point that this, in my mind, is something I wont overcome. How can God take such a young life? She wasn't exactly inoccent, actually far from it. But who did she ever have in her life long enough to show her how to be somebody? Nobody. I drive myself crazy asking "What if?" I miss her to an unbarable amount. I've just recently reached the stage where I'm able to keep from collapsing onto the ground more than once a week. I usually have to plead with myself to make it home when sobs come, memories drown me, my knees falter, and I just sob on the ground. It's a mixed feeling between sorry and hatred, but mostly I feel as if I've lost all control in my life. Recently before the death of my close friend my other close friend, soulmate, whatever you want to call her moved away, just two hours but for us thats worlds apart. So now I stand alone and repeatedly play memories from the funeral, the days after when pain paralyzed me over and over in my head. The overwhelmed feeling is washing over me now, knowing I can't descrive how much I needed her, I miss her. I never really told anyone this. They knew how I felt because for the first month the tears weren't under my control they just came over me and I'd slid to the floor. But I've learned how to make them wait until I have time to fall apart, to avoid this I try to stay busy. Somedays it still comes over me , there is no stopping it then, I just dig my nails into my hands and let myself cry out the pain, not that that's always enough. I just wish people, mainly my parents, saw how hurt I still am. The pain isn't even scars, its still new pain.
I plan to visit her grave for the first time since it happen next Thursday. I don't know if I will actually make it. I'm taking my ex-boyfriend, current life-saver, with me to the gravesite. He was the only one who was around for me when she died and I've trusted him with everything since. I just need to go. Okay tonights post was mostly calming my own mind because I've been fighting the break-down all day, part of me thinking writing would prevent it. I just wish I knew that I would make it out of this, I wish somebody would tell me it's okay, I know you still hurt. Well I guess that's my confession of the night. If anyone has been through this, or has advice, please comment it'd really help me out.
-Author
Sick
Okay this is my second post so give me a brake if it truely sucks..
So I've spent most my day lounging about in bed, okay I'm making that sound glorious, let me try again. I've spent most my day unable to get out of bed with influenza. Such a terrible sickness it is, keeping me from school...what a shame. No, in reality I'm rather delighted by this because it gave me sometime to do some chores and clean up the house before my much awaited visitor comes. Ah, it's true my sister is coming home from college this weekend and I'm actually kind of excited because we've gotten alot closer lately. It's weird you spend the first few years of your life hating your siblings with some uncharted passion and suddenly one day it just clicks that you miss them. For me I think it's simple why we became closer. Last decemember I had one of my best friends die in a car accident. You think you know how it would feel to lose a friend, but really you don't untill it happens. You think about the most important person in your life... What would you do if one day you got a call late at night saying they were dead and you should go to the hospital to support their family. What would you do in the days after? The months following? Kill yourself? Let me tell you, I've thought it. But thats the worst part, you don't get the easy out. You have to be here for your other friends and her family. But it will be three months next thursday and I still find it hard to get out of bed on the anniversary's of her death. Heck, getting out of bed after having the nightmares is still terrible, but I do it anyway. I don't see another choice anymore. Anyway.. I think that's what brought me and my sister together. Pathetic isn't it? That it takes that much to bring two siblings together? I should say so.. Well I basically just felt like writing because I've spent all day over thinking and wanted to do some much needed writing but not I'm gonna go pull myself together because I've got a friend dropping off everything I could have possibly missed in class today. Joy! Maybe if I'm truely inspired I'll write again tonight.. I think I'm starting to like blogging.. No matter how pathetic or random my attempts at it are. -Author
So I've spent most my day lounging about in bed, okay I'm making that sound glorious, let me try again. I've spent most my day unable to get out of bed with influenza. Such a terrible sickness it is, keeping me from school...what a shame. No, in reality I'm rather delighted by this because it gave me sometime to do some chores and clean up the house before my much awaited visitor comes. Ah, it's true my sister is coming home from college this weekend and I'm actually kind of excited because we've gotten alot closer lately. It's weird you spend the first few years of your life hating your siblings with some uncharted passion and suddenly one day it just clicks that you miss them. For me I think it's simple why we became closer. Last decemember I had one of my best friends die in a car accident. You think you know how it would feel to lose a friend, but really you don't untill it happens. You think about the most important person in your life... What would you do if one day you got a call late at night saying they were dead and you should go to the hospital to support their family. What would you do in the days after? The months following? Kill yourself? Let me tell you, I've thought it. But thats the worst part, you don't get the easy out. You have to be here for your other friends and her family. But it will be three months next thursday and I still find it hard to get out of bed on the anniversary's of her death. Heck, getting out of bed after having the nightmares is still terrible, but I do it anyway. I don't see another choice anymore. Anyway.. I think that's what brought me and my sister together. Pathetic isn't it? That it takes that much to bring two siblings together? I should say so.. Well I basically just felt like writing because I've spent all day over thinking and wanted to do some much needed writing but not I'm gonna go pull myself together because I've got a friend dropping off everything I could have possibly missed in class today. Joy! Maybe if I'm truely inspired I'll write again tonight.. I think I'm starting to like blogging.. No matter how pathetic or random my attempts at it are. -Author
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
First Post
Thoughts on paper are just words, but thoughts not told are just useless.
I'm starting this by complete fate. It started because I was looking for some lyrics to a song and ended up finding a blog I loved from this site. So I decided to write my own, if nothing else for my own entertainment. Well about me? I'm only in highschool but I want to be an author and I'm definatly going to try. I've often thought about blogging, not nessacarily to share my stories with others but just because as a born author phrases and words are my only defense in this world and I could either let them entierly consume me or I just need to write them out. Well this is my first attempt at writing them out. I'll try and keep this updated and comments from readers would probably encourage that. :) Well this was a pathetic attempt at my first blog, but in some way I'm satisfied.
I'm starting this by complete fate. It started because I was looking for some lyrics to a song and ended up finding a blog I loved from this site. So I decided to write my own, if nothing else for my own entertainment. Well about me? I'm only in highschool but I want to be an author and I'm definatly going to try. I've often thought about blogging, not nessacarily to share my stories with others but just because as a born author phrases and words are my only defense in this world and I could either let them entierly consume me or I just need to write them out. Well this is my first attempt at writing them out. I'll try and keep this updated and comments from readers would probably encourage that. :) Well this was a pathetic attempt at my first blog, but in some way I'm satisfied.
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