Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Falling Behind
So Im writing today because we don't have class.. one great thing about South Dakota.. Snow days! This post wont be long because I just don't feel like writing mostly because I know Ill read this later and no reason to reread my diary of a depression. Anyway... Im not with Kohl anymore.. Im not okay again yet.. I quit waiting to be okay... Im taking things one moment at a time... To much on my mind sorry I've given up on my blog sort of .. but I doubt many follow it anyway so I cant be dissapointing to many right? Anyway... Im just sort of tired... Nightmares kept me up again. I swear Im crazy.. .and now Im crazy and addicted to mood enhancers .. If i dont take them I dont know if I should be trusted alone... Im crazy... Anyway... See ya bloggers.. .Ill try and write later.. -Shelby-
Monday, March 23, 2009
Okay.. so Im in an impossibly worse mood tonight. This has to be getting irriating...Well I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, so screw that thought. Facebook is being impossibly gay tongiht my home page and my chat wont load. Dear Lord, Im ready to kill someone. I feel sick. I want to cry, I want to be sick, I want to yell and scream, I want to die. I need help. Im such, such mess. But what do I do? Go to my conselor... hey, I um .. kinda want to die because I cant get over the death of a friend, or hey! Im using physical relationships to ease my own pain and Ive developed the worst reputation ever..Yeah I have a feeling she wouldnt handle that well. Well right now Im in the process of getting Kohl back. It will only take the snap of my fingers but I cant get ahold of him right now... I guess I just need someone to carry me through life.. and I know he will.. I dont have to function... I cant basically quit living because he will do it for me. He takes me to school gets my assignments done for me, takes me to parties, gets me alcohol when I want it. I can't stand this anymore. Kohl just called... shockingly I got him back. Well.. I guess I get to quit living for awhile... dose up on some more pills and be numb to life while he carries me through it like my night in shinning armor always has.... - Pathetic
Sunday, March 22, 2009
given up
Okay I've begin to give up on my blog and my one follower.. maybe not give up, I just dont feel the inncessint(spelling?) need to write lately.. well i do but writing is making me face things. Basically I've fallen father than I ever thought possible and can't bring myself to face anything. I have my good days when I can atleast pretend Im okay till Im alone but most days I dont even pretend...anyway.. Im going to clean my room to clear my mind. Then maybe go to bed early.. if I can sleep tonight. Seriously? I thought this stage was suppose to end. What the hell is wrong with me? ... Given Up As A Writer-
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Crabby >>>
Im bloging when i dont really feel like it so this could turn out terrible. Lets see i spent my day with conselours who used a voice that is so practiced and fake it makes you want to shoot yourself. I just have been crying most the day. I miss her. I hate that she is dead. Dead?.. Doesnt even seem real... God I want to die anymore. .. Ugh.. But i dont get too.. Kohl (ex bf/ current best friend) is no longer current best friend.. actually i prefer he fall in a hole somewhere... Okay this was moody and short but just to update you on how pissy I am... Well toodles!
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Day After
I didn't blog last night because I didnt have much time.. Yesterday..truely sucked. I went to the grave site and my heart shattered. I was bawling before I had been there three minutes. There were best friend bracelets from her friends, flowers, prayers, charms, necklaces it was unbearable to think of what God took from these people, her friends, my friends, me... I cried and leaned into Kohl for about five minutes then we left because I couldnt stand to talk to her there it was too hard. I cried the whole way home and for a few hours after. But then Kohl and his friend came over so I put make up on and faked a smile to be okay. I spent the night driving around and hanging out, forgetting or trying. By the end of the night I had more problems. I hit on one of Kohl's friends who I have true intrest in and Kohl attempted to break his nose because of it. His friend, me and kohl all know "if" I had a relationship with his friend it wouldn't last long, because between the games I play and my innability to love anyone truely, things just dont last. I have to think that my deceased friend had something to do with the way I run relationships. She was worse than me! Well.. used to be. I may have surpassed her now in the "using people" department. Anyway Kohl now isn't speaking to me but I truely don't mind because I shouldnt have been expecting us to be best friends.. although he thought we could be too... but just the same I cant make him watch me trade guys like collectable cards. Ugh why do I have to be so disfunctional? Hah.. Well this is all pitty problems right now but I suppose I should go play with the kids Im spose to be watching over.. Im actually fighting tears right now and I dont even know what caused it so Im going to go ta ta for now ..
Thursday, March 12, 2009
3 Month Anniversary
Well...Currently I'm working. Today I'm nannying for two kids that are really not morning people. There little voices keep singing "you're a loser" or "I'm not touching you!" In two minutes I swear I'm sending them back to sleep....Last night was just a blast.. My sister was still being instagative and it was annoying as hell. For 19 you think eventually, she'd give it a rest...Guess not. But as I'm sure you assumed I dont really want to focus on any of that right now.. Today is in her memory and I'm not going to worry about such petty problems. So here goes..
This post maybe extremely long and there might end up being multiple posts today because I miss her and I won't stop writing until every last word that is scratching at my heart and mind is somewher on paper as proof of pain. Lets start from the beginning... She was only 15. God that's too young. She was in a car coming home from a small town near ours. Nobody knows what happened but God and her. She was with a bunch of people some who had been drinking, she who had been drinking and high. ...Most of her life was spent doing those two things, drinking and smoking, but you'd have to know her background to know why this isn't surprising. She was my fallen angel. She taught me to grow up, to be strong, to love and not get hurt, later I'd learn she just taught me to play people so I didn't get hurt. Anyway she was my little one I got to watch out for. I tried to get her to live a better life, truth be told I ended up needing her more than she'd ever admitt to needing me. Anyway they were coming home and...something happened... Some people said they tried to drift the car by pulling the E-brake on the ice some people said they were drinking, couldn't stay on the road. Only the paramedics and God know, part of me never wanted to know. Anyway they swerved and went into a ditch just above a small river between the two towns. The car hit a cement culvert wall. The front end smashed, then slid into the freezing water's below giving the other members in the car hypothermia, causing one to be paralyzed on his left side, it would be weeks before her got his full movement abilities back. But God only took her. Some say she was throw from the car and never hit the wall or the water, some say she hit the wall and was killed instantly. No one really ever questioned how exactly it happened for long. She was dead. So small, maybe 95 lbs. I cant imagine her smallness being throw around like a rang doll to, in the end, lay lifeless on the road, limp as a rag doll. I got the call late around 11pm december 12th 2008...it was my ex, first guy I ever loved with my whole heart, only guy I've ever been able to love with my whole heart. I didn't believe him. He insisted it was true. Finally he hung up, angry I didn't believe him. Then I got another sobbing call from a friend saying "Oh my God, please come to the hospital, she's dead." I called back my ex and sobbed quietly considering I was at a cousins house when all this happened. Eventually I told my cousin to take me home. Where I would shake my mom awake drag her to the dinning room and fall sobbing into her arms screaming "It's not fair. God no. She is dead. I hate God." I dont even remember it all, all I know is that it lasted for a good seven hours until my limp body fell to sleep and dreamt. It would be two months before I could sleep with out dreams of her rag-doll body on the ground, so small, so hurt, so ..dead.
Days would follow and I'd attened the wake, only making it in the door to turn around and run out. I never did go back in. I fell into the arms of Kohl (current ex. boyfriend/ best friend) He never made me go back, untill the funeral. We sat in the back and I silently cried. Feeling Kohl watching me, killing himself inside for not being able to protect me. The next two weeks would be winter break from school I mostly just cried and tried to get out of bed, Christmas was a horror. I went downstairs or in other rooms of families houses and fought tears. Once my uncle begged me to come upstairs, I'm still angry with him for not understanding. Most of all I hate my parents for not realizing, I still dream, I still cry most nights, worst thing is sometimes I just talk to her, my little angle sits with me and we talk. More than likely Im crazy. I went to a counselor once, but in turn got so mad because she was telling me I was depressed that I slammed the door on the way out. I still hurt for her, God I need her. I almost still hate God for taking her. He was the only one I could blame. Sometimes I'd fall into a prayer routine but now the only prayer is when I talk to my angel, who isnt a fallen angel anymore, if that even counts. It still kills me everyday, but I put off the pain unless it's the anniversary like today, then I cut open all the old wounds and let myself just soak in all the pain, sometimes a person just needs that. Its like opening the cuts because they didnt heal properly and letting them try again to heal only to watch them fail. I dont want to quit writing because this is the most I've openly thought about her in ..four weeks. But this is long and if you've read it, well please comment because I need it. I'll post again tonight maybe even sooner because Im supposed to go to her grave today at noon, but I'm already backing out. I havn't gone since I watched her casket, too large for someone so small, slowly slid into the ground...Thanks for keeping updated on my life. I'm going to go now, just for awhile. I'll write again later. -Broken-
This post maybe extremely long and there might end up being multiple posts today because I miss her and I won't stop writing until every last word that is scratching at my heart and mind is somewher on paper as proof of pain. Lets start from the beginning... She was only 15. God that's too young. She was in a car coming home from a small town near ours. Nobody knows what happened but God and her. She was with a bunch of people some who had been drinking, she who had been drinking and high. ...Most of her life was spent doing those two things, drinking and smoking, but you'd have to know her background to know why this isn't surprising. She was my fallen angel. She taught me to grow up, to be strong, to love and not get hurt, later I'd learn she just taught me to play people so I didn't get hurt. Anyway she was my little one I got to watch out for. I tried to get her to live a better life, truth be told I ended up needing her more than she'd ever admitt to needing me. Anyway they were coming home and...something happened... Some people said they tried to drift the car by pulling the E-brake on the ice some people said they were drinking, couldn't stay on the road. Only the paramedics and God know, part of me never wanted to know. Anyway they swerved and went into a ditch just above a small river between the two towns. The car hit a cement culvert wall. The front end smashed, then slid into the freezing water's below giving the other members in the car hypothermia, causing one to be paralyzed on his left side, it would be weeks before her got his full movement abilities back. But God only took her. Some say she was throw from the car and never hit the wall or the water, some say she hit the wall and was killed instantly. No one really ever questioned how exactly it happened for long. She was dead. So small, maybe 95 lbs. I cant imagine her smallness being throw around like a rang doll to, in the end, lay lifeless on the road, limp as a rag doll. I got the call late around 11pm december 12th 2008...it was my ex, first guy I ever loved with my whole heart, only guy I've ever been able to love with my whole heart. I didn't believe him. He insisted it was true. Finally he hung up, angry I didn't believe him. Then I got another sobbing call from a friend saying "Oh my God, please come to the hospital, she's dead." I called back my ex and sobbed quietly considering I was at a cousins house when all this happened. Eventually I told my cousin to take me home. Where I would shake my mom awake drag her to the dinning room and fall sobbing into her arms screaming "It's not fair. God no. She is dead. I hate God." I dont even remember it all, all I know is that it lasted for a good seven hours until my limp body fell to sleep and dreamt. It would be two months before I could sleep with out dreams of her rag-doll body on the ground, so small, so hurt, so ..dead.
Days would follow and I'd attened the wake, only making it in the door to turn around and run out. I never did go back in. I fell into the arms of Kohl (current ex. boyfriend/ best friend) He never made me go back, untill the funeral. We sat in the back and I silently cried. Feeling Kohl watching me, killing himself inside for not being able to protect me. The next two weeks would be winter break from school I mostly just cried and tried to get out of bed, Christmas was a horror. I went downstairs or in other rooms of families houses and fought tears. Once my uncle begged me to come upstairs, I'm still angry with him for not understanding. Most of all I hate my parents for not realizing, I still dream, I still cry most nights, worst thing is sometimes I just talk to her, my little angle sits with me and we talk. More than likely Im crazy. I went to a counselor once, but in turn got so mad because she was telling me I was depressed that I slammed the door on the way out. I still hurt for her, God I need her. I almost still hate God for taking her. He was the only one I could blame. Sometimes I'd fall into a prayer routine but now the only prayer is when I talk to my angel, who isnt a fallen angel anymore, if that even counts. It still kills me everyday, but I put off the pain unless it's the anniversary like today, then I cut open all the old wounds and let myself just soak in all the pain, sometimes a person just needs that. Its like opening the cuts because they didnt heal properly and letting them try again to heal only to watch them fail. I dont want to quit writing because this is the most I've openly thought about her in ..four weeks. But this is long and if you've read it, well please comment because I need it. I'll post again tonight maybe even sooner because Im supposed to go to her grave today at noon, but I'm already backing out. I havn't gone since I watched her casket, too large for someone so small, slowly slid into the ground...Thanks for keeping updated on my life. I'm going to go now, just for awhile. I'll write again later. -Broken-
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Rawr...Angry.
Okay this post intent was to purely blow off steam because my sister, my hero, my trusted one, pissed me off. God we were doing so good and she had to get all pissy and jealous and ruin it! Then I thought, no I dont have the energy to yell and scream about her, but suddenly I do, so I think I shall! She was mad because ex bf/current best friend was over with one of his friends and she bitched to my mom about how she never got to have guys over like I do and I shouldn't be trusted (WTF!?!@??!) Yah, I hope she remembers that next time her drunk ass needs a ride to another party like last weekend (which also made me blow curfew) but I took her, because thats what sisters do for each other. They cover for each other! Unless you are that skanking- hoe, no! She just betrays you. Well in all honestly Im waiting for the gates or hell to open up and welcome the dumb bitch. Okay that was a tid on the expressive side but tonight I want to yell and scream! Okay I'll simmer down now.. Anyway.. we don't have school thursday or friday because thats our pretty much bullshit spring break but just the same I need the break. Although I work both days like all day so pretty sure thats hardly a break. Although thank God I get off at noon thursday because the rest of my day is going to be spent getting the nerves to go to the cemetary..
I'm too young to have to go to the cemetary. I'm too young to go buy a rose for my deseased angel. I'm too young to want to die. I'm too young to fall apart like I do. I'm too young to feel regret and pain that consumes myself. I'm too young to feel alone. I'm too young to collapse on the floor and sob. I'm too young to live like this. She was too young to die.
I thought I was going to be okay with this but apparently its worse than I thought. Last night I lay in bed sobbing, turning over and over, begging for my stomach to stop swallowing my heart and my tears to stop drowing my hope. I cry to people I dont even know, for instance the whole cyber world.. I just want it to be over. But more than anything I wish my mom and sister understood.. or anyone really. I wish they understand how close I am .. to following my leader straight to the doors of Heaven tonight.. This is just so hard.. I wish they understood..Either way Im taking life moment by moment because I cant really take life day by day anymore..Anyway I have some much needed studying to do and personally I think I may plan to murder the dumb bitch my mother prouduced before me.. Ugh.. thanks for reading....-Counting The Days Till She Returns To College!
I'm too young to have to go to the cemetary. I'm too young to go buy a rose for my deseased angel. I'm too young to want to die. I'm too young to fall apart like I do. I'm too young to feel regret and pain that consumes myself. I'm too young to feel alone. I'm too young to collapse on the floor and sob. I'm too young to live like this. She was too young to die.
I thought I was going to be okay with this but apparently its worse than I thought. Last night I lay in bed sobbing, turning over and over, begging for my stomach to stop swallowing my heart and my tears to stop drowing my hope. I cry to people I dont even know, for instance the whole cyber world.. I just want it to be over. But more than anything I wish my mom and sister understood.. or anyone really. I wish they understand how close I am .. to following my leader straight to the doors of Heaven tonight.. This is just so hard.. I wish they understood..Either way Im taking life moment by moment because I cant really take life day by day anymore..Anyway I have some much needed studying to do and personally I think I may plan to murder the dumb bitch my mother prouduced before me.. Ugh.. thanks for reading....-Counting The Days Till She Returns To College!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday Nights Post
Blogging just to say hey really (you know, for all the people who take time to read this haha). Actually I've got a miserable head ache and typing just seemed soothing at the moment. Hmm I have homework from when I was sick that would more than likely be better if it was done but just the same I'd rather put it off :) So today's a monday.. utterly boring for me. Not even sure what to bore you with today.. I feel like writing though so I should work on the pieces I've been trying to put together in the past few .. oh months. Hah.. I honestly wish I could skip the rest of high school and just go to college. I know what I want to be why am I wasting my time here? But I suppose I kind of need the things I'm learning here. So do to do.. Im unbalieveably at a loss of words today..Im waiting for my ex to come over, not that I even feel like seeing him or have the time to but just the same he text and said Im bored and I figured Im bored to so hell why not? Facebook is unbalieveably quiet tonight (probably because most people have lives at 6:44PM) which is making it difficult to procrastinate my homework and cleaning my room which is driving me nuts because it's messy. Well if you've made it this far in this pointless escapade Im calling Monday Nights Post well grab a cookie and reward yourself because this post is so boring Im not entirely sure that I'll make it thought proof-reading it. ...So Im listening to my ipod and "what hurts the most- rascal flatts" is on ...I like this song.. never realized that before. But my sisters left and my dads out so it's just me and my mom tonight so I think I'll go chat with her because I havnt said much to her in the past few days .. so Ill do that atleast untill the ex and current best friend gets here. But if you made it to the end of this well then you are a far better person than me because Im not even going to proof this because im afraid i may just click cancel because its that boring! Thanks for dealing with my boring posts! Maybe tommorow I'll act like Indiana-Jones so I have some adventures to tell :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Lines and lines of words,
all completly absurd,
You're not writing a story,
You don't even know what your saying,
You only write to block your thoughts
You see the pictures
You feel the pain
The others, they watch you knowing your games
they hate you for all of the pain
You caused this to save yourself
and now look, your life is a living hell
You write so fast you lose your mind
Suddenly its all back, everything you left behind.
Hope you're happy, all your efforts were worthless
You still feel the pain, you still hurt them.
You're a monster you are, in your own way.
You tore their lives apart to save yourself
Like you let them all drown to save yourself
Well what happens when you come out okay
and everbody else is too hurt to be there today
You did this you know, remember that.
Blame no one else except the one
who sits and writes lines and lines of words
all completly absurd.
all completly absurd,
You're not writing a story,
You don't even know what your saying,
You only write to block your thoughts
You see the pictures
You feel the pain
The others, they watch you knowing your games
they hate you for all of the pain
You caused this to save yourself
and now look, your life is a living hell
You write so fast you lose your mind
Suddenly its all back, everything you left behind.
Hope you're happy, all your efforts were worthless
You still feel the pain, you still hurt them.
You're a monster you are, in your own way.
You tore their lives apart to save yourself
Like you let them all drown to save yourself
Well what happens when you come out okay
and everbody else is too hurt to be there today
You did this you know, remember that.
Blame no one else except the one
who sits and writes lines and lines of words
all completly absurd.
The Weekend
Okay so I didn't blog this weekend because I was kept busy! (Can't say I hated it) My sister came home, we've been having a ball. I went out a few times with my ex, more than likely a bad idea. This weekend was probably the most social I've been in a long time! It's weird thinking how I've avoided life for so long. So much has changed! I've still got people I need to get back in touch with but this weekend was definatly a start for me. Although, last night a little miss communication problem led to major trouble, but hopefully I lied my way out of that one. Okay down to serious things..(sorta). I sort of have a relationship problem... In the fact that I was so scared to get to get hurt that I would usually back out of long relationships and hurt someone more than I ever imagined. I've done this consistantly for the past year now and it's turned out well in the fact that I usually don't get hurt. But I'm building quite the reputation for it too. Now its like any guys that I want to take me serious just want me for physical relationships and any guys who I could less about want my whole heart, which I'm not even sure I know how to give away anymore. Relationships are so pointless for me anymore. Anyway my current ex is the closet thing to a best friend that I have on a regular basis. I think partially because he helped me through my friends death, and there is something about going through that with someone, the break downs, the crying sessions, or the pure self-pity you feel that you just give your entire trust to the person who willingly goes through it with you. So we hang out on a regular basis, which has been causing a problem. It seems as if he will never move on, meaning I cant either. Any guy I hang out with or even mess around with he wants to kill and he gets so mad at me that he says don't come near me and he storms off. I'm not trying to hurt him, but I want desperatly to move on. I hate that I can't do this with out hurting him! Anyway.. thats pity problems compared to the next week. Every day we're inching closer to Thursday, the 3 month anniversary... It terrifies me because thats the one day I can't put it off anymore. I'm scared, but I know I'll get through it all... I have to, right?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Her death took my life too
Writing again today..
My earlier post got my mind wrapped around my friend's death. It must be obvious by this point that this, in my mind, is something I wont overcome. How can God take such a young life? She wasn't exactly inoccent, actually far from it. But who did she ever have in her life long enough to show her how to be somebody? Nobody. I drive myself crazy asking "What if?" I miss her to an unbarable amount. I've just recently reached the stage where I'm able to keep from collapsing onto the ground more than once a week. I usually have to plead with myself to make it home when sobs come, memories drown me, my knees falter, and I just sob on the ground. It's a mixed feeling between sorry and hatred, but mostly I feel as if I've lost all control in my life. Recently before the death of my close friend my other close friend, soulmate, whatever you want to call her moved away, just two hours but for us thats worlds apart. So now I stand alone and repeatedly play memories from the funeral, the days after when pain paralyzed me over and over in my head. The overwhelmed feeling is washing over me now, knowing I can't descrive how much I needed her, I miss her. I never really told anyone this. They knew how I felt because for the first month the tears weren't under my control they just came over me and I'd slid to the floor. But I've learned how to make them wait until I have time to fall apart, to avoid this I try to stay busy. Somedays it still comes over me , there is no stopping it then, I just dig my nails into my hands and let myself cry out the pain, not that that's always enough. I just wish people, mainly my parents, saw how hurt I still am. The pain isn't even scars, its still new pain.
I plan to visit her grave for the first time since it happen next Thursday. I don't know if I will actually make it. I'm taking my ex-boyfriend, current life-saver, with me to the gravesite. He was the only one who was around for me when she died and I've trusted him with everything since. I just need to go. Okay tonights post was mostly calming my own mind because I've been fighting the break-down all day, part of me thinking writing would prevent it. I just wish I knew that I would make it out of this, I wish somebody would tell me it's okay, I know you still hurt. Well I guess that's my confession of the night. If anyone has been through this, or has advice, please comment it'd really help me out.
-Author
My earlier post got my mind wrapped around my friend's death. It must be obvious by this point that this, in my mind, is something I wont overcome. How can God take such a young life? She wasn't exactly inoccent, actually far from it. But who did she ever have in her life long enough to show her how to be somebody? Nobody. I drive myself crazy asking "What if?" I miss her to an unbarable amount. I've just recently reached the stage where I'm able to keep from collapsing onto the ground more than once a week. I usually have to plead with myself to make it home when sobs come, memories drown me, my knees falter, and I just sob on the ground. It's a mixed feeling between sorry and hatred, but mostly I feel as if I've lost all control in my life. Recently before the death of my close friend my other close friend, soulmate, whatever you want to call her moved away, just two hours but for us thats worlds apart. So now I stand alone and repeatedly play memories from the funeral, the days after when pain paralyzed me over and over in my head. The overwhelmed feeling is washing over me now, knowing I can't descrive how much I needed her, I miss her. I never really told anyone this. They knew how I felt because for the first month the tears weren't under my control they just came over me and I'd slid to the floor. But I've learned how to make them wait until I have time to fall apart, to avoid this I try to stay busy. Somedays it still comes over me , there is no stopping it then, I just dig my nails into my hands and let myself cry out the pain, not that that's always enough. I just wish people, mainly my parents, saw how hurt I still am. The pain isn't even scars, its still new pain.
I plan to visit her grave for the first time since it happen next Thursday. I don't know if I will actually make it. I'm taking my ex-boyfriend, current life-saver, with me to the gravesite. He was the only one who was around for me when she died and I've trusted him with everything since. I just need to go. Okay tonights post was mostly calming my own mind because I've been fighting the break-down all day, part of me thinking writing would prevent it. I just wish I knew that I would make it out of this, I wish somebody would tell me it's okay, I know you still hurt. Well I guess that's my confession of the night. If anyone has been through this, or has advice, please comment it'd really help me out.
-Author
Sick
Okay this is my second post so give me a brake if it truely sucks..
So I've spent most my day lounging about in bed, okay I'm making that sound glorious, let me try again. I've spent most my day unable to get out of bed with influenza. Such a terrible sickness it is, keeping me from school...what a shame. No, in reality I'm rather delighted by this because it gave me sometime to do some chores and clean up the house before my much awaited visitor comes. Ah, it's true my sister is coming home from college this weekend and I'm actually kind of excited because we've gotten alot closer lately. It's weird you spend the first few years of your life hating your siblings with some uncharted passion and suddenly one day it just clicks that you miss them. For me I think it's simple why we became closer. Last decemember I had one of my best friends die in a car accident. You think you know how it would feel to lose a friend, but really you don't untill it happens. You think about the most important person in your life... What would you do if one day you got a call late at night saying they were dead and you should go to the hospital to support their family. What would you do in the days after? The months following? Kill yourself? Let me tell you, I've thought it. But thats the worst part, you don't get the easy out. You have to be here for your other friends and her family. But it will be three months next thursday and I still find it hard to get out of bed on the anniversary's of her death. Heck, getting out of bed after having the nightmares is still terrible, but I do it anyway. I don't see another choice anymore. Anyway.. I think that's what brought me and my sister together. Pathetic isn't it? That it takes that much to bring two siblings together? I should say so.. Well I basically just felt like writing because I've spent all day over thinking and wanted to do some much needed writing but not I'm gonna go pull myself together because I've got a friend dropping off everything I could have possibly missed in class today. Joy! Maybe if I'm truely inspired I'll write again tonight.. I think I'm starting to like blogging.. No matter how pathetic or random my attempts at it are. -Author
So I've spent most my day lounging about in bed, okay I'm making that sound glorious, let me try again. I've spent most my day unable to get out of bed with influenza. Such a terrible sickness it is, keeping me from school...what a shame. No, in reality I'm rather delighted by this because it gave me sometime to do some chores and clean up the house before my much awaited visitor comes. Ah, it's true my sister is coming home from college this weekend and I'm actually kind of excited because we've gotten alot closer lately. It's weird you spend the first few years of your life hating your siblings with some uncharted passion and suddenly one day it just clicks that you miss them. For me I think it's simple why we became closer. Last decemember I had one of my best friends die in a car accident. You think you know how it would feel to lose a friend, but really you don't untill it happens. You think about the most important person in your life... What would you do if one day you got a call late at night saying they were dead and you should go to the hospital to support their family. What would you do in the days after? The months following? Kill yourself? Let me tell you, I've thought it. But thats the worst part, you don't get the easy out. You have to be here for your other friends and her family. But it will be three months next thursday and I still find it hard to get out of bed on the anniversary's of her death. Heck, getting out of bed after having the nightmares is still terrible, but I do it anyway. I don't see another choice anymore. Anyway.. I think that's what brought me and my sister together. Pathetic isn't it? That it takes that much to bring two siblings together? I should say so.. Well I basically just felt like writing because I've spent all day over thinking and wanted to do some much needed writing but not I'm gonna go pull myself together because I've got a friend dropping off everything I could have possibly missed in class today. Joy! Maybe if I'm truely inspired I'll write again tonight.. I think I'm starting to like blogging.. No matter how pathetic or random my attempts at it are. -Author
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
First Post
Thoughts on paper are just words, but thoughts not told are just useless.
I'm starting this by complete fate. It started because I was looking for some lyrics to a song and ended up finding a blog I loved from this site. So I decided to write my own, if nothing else for my own entertainment. Well about me? I'm only in highschool but I want to be an author and I'm definatly going to try. I've often thought about blogging, not nessacarily to share my stories with others but just because as a born author phrases and words are my only defense in this world and I could either let them entierly consume me or I just need to write them out. Well this is my first attempt at writing them out. I'll try and keep this updated and comments from readers would probably encourage that. :) Well this was a pathetic attempt at my first blog, but in some way I'm satisfied.
I'm starting this by complete fate. It started because I was looking for some lyrics to a song and ended up finding a blog I loved from this site. So I decided to write my own, if nothing else for my own entertainment. Well about me? I'm only in highschool but I want to be an author and I'm definatly going to try. I've often thought about blogging, not nessacarily to share my stories with others but just because as a born author phrases and words are my only defense in this world and I could either let them entierly consume me or I just need to write them out. Well this is my first attempt at writing them out. I'll try and keep this updated and comments from readers would probably encourage that. :) Well this was a pathetic attempt at my first blog, but in some way I'm satisfied.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)